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Thread: Morning laugh

  1. #1
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    Morning laugh

    Oldie but still hilarious
    Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
    Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
    After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
    The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
    The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
    The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
    The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.


    ...---...

  2. #2
    Insider goner's Avatar
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    Yeehah

    New to me. I performed the maneuver on mrs goner but not in that fashion, next time though...

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  4. #4
    35 & counting SeeUinMay's Avatar
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    Another that makes me laugh every time I hear it.



    Rectum?

    Damn near killed 'em.

  5. #5
    ...and proud of it. comfortably numb's Avatar
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    A guy is stranded on a tropical island and is losing hope of ever being rescued, when one day he looks out and sees somebody swimming towards his beach. As the person emerges from the water he sees that whoever it is is outfitted in flippers, a wet suit top, hood, scuba tank, mask an snorkel. As the figure steps onto the sandy shore, it kicks the flippers off, drops the tank, removes the mask & snorkel, and finally pulls off the hood, recealing a beautiful blonde woman. She begins to question him...



    "Been Here long?"
    "Uh huh."
    "I bet. Want a cigarette?"
    "Uh huh."



    So she zips her top 4 inches down, pulls a pack of cigs from a waterpoof container, hand one to him and lights it. He draws deeply on it, savoring the fine Columbia tobaccos.



    "I bet it is been awhile since you had a drink. Do you like Scotch?"
    'Uh huh."



    So she zips her top down another 6 inches, reaches inside and pulls out a small flask an offers it to him. He sips from it, and a smile comes to his lips.




    As she reaches for her zipper, and begins to draw it down further, she closes her eyes slightly and asks, "Would you like to play around?"





    "Don't tell me you have golf clubs in there!!!"
    “Twitter is the spit on the sidewalk of life.” ~~numb
    "I like rainbows and bunnies." ~~Frank

  6. #6
    Insider Frank Capua's Avatar
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    It reminds me of the old man in the nursing home when a young woman walked into his room and asked him he wanted Super Sex?

    He thought for a moment and said... I better go with the soup.

    "Ride the Barrel and get pitted... So Pitted."



  7. #7
    A guys walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables. The bartender says "You can come in here, just don't try to start anything."
    I ride tandem/with the random/Things don't run the way I planned them.
    Peter Gabriel, "Humdrum"

  8. #8
    ...and proud of it. comfortably numb's Avatar
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    Two strings walk into a cocktail lounge. The first goes up to the bar to order an adult beverage, but the bartender yells at him, "Hey, we don't serve strings in here!"

    The second string, hearing this, heads for the men's room. Once inside he loops his top end around, tightens it then separates all the individual threads. Looking into the mirror and being satisfied, he exits and goes into the bar. The bartender eyes him suspiciously.

    "Say", he inquires. "Are you a string?"
    "No," the second sting replies. "I'm afraid not."

  9. #9
    Subversively normal skypigeon's Avatar
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    Two guys walk into a bar.

    The third one ducks.

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  11. #11
    35 & counting SeeUinMay's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Frank Capua View Post
    It reminds me of the old man in the nursing home when a young woman walked into his room and asked him he wanted Super Sex?

    He thought for a moment and said... I better go with the soup.

    Old guy at the nursing home is sitting in his room looking down in the dumps, nurse walks by and sees his expression and asks "What's wrong?" He replies, "I turned 88 today and my grandson got me a sweater." The nurse tells him that he shouldn't look so sad, as 88 is no small feat, and a sweater is a very nice gift. The old boy says back, "Yeah, I guess I got my hopes up too much, last year he got me a screamer."

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    Insider Frank Capua's Avatar
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    A new study was released today that says women who are pregnant with a little girl have more belly aches... While women who are carrying little boys feel a little nuts.

  13. #13
    Insider Truth Detector's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by comfortably numb View Post
    A guy is stranded on a tropical island
    Reminds me of a classic:

    Cruise ship sinks and the only survivors are Beyonce and some random guy. Beyonce wants nothing to do with the guy until she notices that he has built a shelter, started a fire, and catches fish to eat. Over time she warms to him, moves in to the shelter and eventually falls in love with him. For months they have crazy sex every day. One day she tells him she will do anything he wants so he hands her a fake mustache and a trench coat. He tells her to put them on and walk one direction around the island while he walks the opposite direction. When they meet on the other side of the island the guy leans over and says, "Hey buddy...guess who I'm banging!"
    Center Grove Trojans
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  14. #14
    Insider Truth Detector's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Frank Capua View Post
    It reminds me of the old man in the nursing home

    Old guy retires to a nursing home where he meets a lady friend. Every Wednesday night they meet in the TV room to watch the movie of the week and she holds his penis while they watch. One Wednesday night she goes to the TV room but he never shows. Same thing happens for a few weeks in a row. Concerned, she finds him in the cafeteria one day and asks him why he doesn't come to movie night anymore. He confesses that he has a new girlfriend and the old girlfriend is crushed.

    "Do you do anything with her that you didn't do with me?"
    "No, we meet for the movie of the week but in a different location. She holds my penis just like you did."

    "Is she younger than me?"
    "No, she's three years older than you."

    "Is she prettier than me?"
    "No. You are much prettier."

    "Is she nicer than me?"
    "No, you are much nicer."

    "Then why is it that you like her more than me?"
    "She has Parkinson's."


  15. #15
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    What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
    Beer nuts are about $1.25. Deer nuts are under a buck.

    A duck walks into the pharmacy to buy Chap-Stick. The cashier asks, "Will you be paying cash?". The duck says, "No, put it on my bill".

  16. #16
    Subversively normal skypigeon's Avatar
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    Great St. Patrick's Day joke:

    "Seamus, d'ya have any idea how fast you were goin' back there?"

    "Paddy, I warn't payin' no attention. I was tryin' to ignore me naggin' wife."

    "Seamus, your naggin' wife flew out back of the car three miles back!"

    "Faith and beggorrah! I thought I'd gone deaf!!"

  17. #17
    Moderator DannyB's Avatar
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    A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

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  19. #19
    Insider Truth Detector's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DannyB View Post
    A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
    A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

  20. #20
    Insider Jakester's Avatar
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    A termite walks into a bar.


    And says "Hey, is the bar tender here?"
    new sig pending

  21. #21
    Insider Frank Capua's Avatar
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    Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar... The Bartender asks; "Why the long face?"

  22. #22
    ...and proud of it. comfortably numb's Avatar
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    adi(os) walks into a bar, but they don't have sailing on any of the big screens so he walks out...

  23. #23
    Insider Truth Detector's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by comfortably numb View Post
    adi(os) walks into a bar, but they don't have sailing on any of the big screens so he walks out...

  24. #24
    An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
    After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.

    "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

    The old captain replied, "Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!"

  25. #25
    Moderator DannyB's Avatar
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    The way I heard it was that the bird in question was a peacock. Either one works.

  26. #26
    ...and proud of it. comfortably numb's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DannyB View Post
    The way I heard it was that the bird in question was a peacock. Either one works.
    Not really...

  27. #27
    Moderator DannyB's Avatar
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    Why not? Please tell me you're not saying this from personal experience.

  28. #28
    ...and proud of it. comfortably numb's Avatar
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    A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.


    The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.


    The man replied...
    "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.


    Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.




    Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
    BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..

    ..I just lost it......."CASE DISMISSED!!"

  29. #29
    Insider Jakester's Avatar
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    A proverbial starving artist songwriter is suing U2.

    Not too encouraged about his likelihood of winning....


    As he has no money, his lawyer took the case pro bono.

  30. #30
    Inside(he)r Ren Butler's Avatar
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    Not a joke, but DEFINITELY worth a chuckle this morning.

    RIP Current Events Board
    Couldn't Survive Lackluster Moderation

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